Growing up OR Where has the time gone?

I’m baaack! Several of you have chided me for not writing sooner and I’m so sorry. Believe me there have been plenty of mommy moments I’ve wanted to share with my online friends. While the calendar is signaling to all that another school year is winding down, no one would know it from the string of activities scheduled during this month or by the sheer mileage I’ve put on my vehicle in the past few weeks. I’ve been scouring the law books at local, state, and national levels and I just can’t seem to find the law that says we have to cram every possible recital, game, presentation, carnival, appreciation dinner, birthday party, fun run, etc. into a four week period called “May” (See, from the date, I obviously started this two months ago!).

Little Alexander has chosen a new favorite word: butthole. While I admit that I am none too thrilled about his choice of verbage, I am glad it isn’t one of the other colorful words I’m sure he’s learned from his pre-teen older brother and friends. Not only that, but he has the ability to shout this at the top of his lungs in either the most inappropriate place i.e. the grocery store, in front of my matronly neighbor, a restaurant or when I am at my whits end. I had a particularly frustrating and busy day last week and was NOT in the mood. After refusing to let Alex eat a fifth popsicle, it started. Here is the basic transcript of the conversation:
“Mommy, you a butthole!”
I responded with, “No. YOU are the butthole!”
Alex retorted, “NO, YOU ARE THE BUTTHOLE!”
So I launched an offensive with, “Let’s see. I let you eat FOUR popsicles before, during, and after dinner. By most kids’ standards, that makes me a damn good mom. And since you are being greedy and arguing with me that makes YOU the butthole!”
His response: “Fine!” and off he walked. Score one for the mommy team!
Of course, my dear hubby is laughing his head off observing this exchange. His contribution, “Which one of you is the adult?” I agree that this was one of my less than stellar parenting moments and totally didn’t model the behavior I wanted, but deep down I felt much better. Look, I figure my kids will all end up in therapy. If I’m paying, I might as well give them something to talk about…

WOOHOOO! I have to take a moment to brag – we are FINALLY pooping in the potty! Yeah us! As someone whose first two kids really potty trained themselves, I was drawing a blank as to how to train youngest Alex. At three and a half, the little guy was wearing underwear all the time – during the day, at night, on trips – EXCEPT for when he needed to poop. At which point, he would announce his intentions and ask for a Pull-Up diaper in which to do the deed. He even got to the point where he would run to his room, get the Pull-Up, change himself (even putting his pants back on over the diaper), hide behind the treadmill, do his business, come back out and announce he needed to be cleaned. SERIOUSLY? I mean who does that? But as we learn, Junior has learned how to manage the scales of control at an early age. By golly, Alex was going to be in total charge of some part of his life. Regardless of the fact that he is often flung in the car to tag along with his older brothers or carted to the grocery store because he can’t be left alone, the baby needs attention and control – and he found it.

So the other day, I duck into the loo to use the facilities. No sooner had I shut the door did little fists start pounding on the door with the standard cry of “Let me in!” and “Open the door – I need to go poo-poo!”. My initial response was to merely tell him to go get his Pull-Up. But when he responded that he wanted to go poo-poo in MY potty, well, let’s just say I was up and out of there with more skill than a Mission Control launch at Cape Canaveral. So as soon as I opened the door, he ran in, threw the potty seat on the toilet, positioned the step stool to prime step location, and hopped on – and proceeded to tell me he to get out. Well, long story short, he did the deed and hasn’t looked back. We were in the grocery store the other day and went down the diaper aisle when he started with, “We need more Pull-ups,” and concluded with “Wait, I’m a big boy and don’t need Pull-ups!” WOOHOO! Mission accomplished!

But here’s the flip side to my baby’s developmental milestone: the kid has mastered the iPhone/iPad technology BEFORE he pooped in the potty. What the heck? Seriously, though, I even used the lure of “Angry Birds” on one of the devices as an incentive to poop in the potty and he outsmarted me! “Yes, I’ll poop in the potty if I can play ‘Angry Birds’ while I go potty.” What BS! He played me faster than that a blackjack dealer in Reno. He plays his game, hops off the potty, and announced he didn’t need to go. See, control. In fact, yesterday when the big boys ran out the front door to play with the neighbor kids, Alex made a bee-line for the door with them. He did stop only to look forlornly out of the window. I called out that he couldn’t go in the front yard without an adult to which he responded, “Yes, I can – it’s my destiny.” I know he’s little but when did he turn into Yoda?

Last week I went to New Orleans to meet Shelby who had just finished a conference. We went through the old neighborhood, stopped at some local food and drink joints and met up with old friends. After the past few months, it was nice to get away and just BE. No kids, no house, no chores – and aside from the insane amount of work e-mails (I was only away from Houston for 28 hours and that was because of traffic – doesn’t anyone know the definition of “vacation”? Just sayin’…) – it was relaxing. Something I haven’t done, and I bet most parents don’t do, often enough. But here’s the funny part: I had an epiphany while we were sitting in this great little deli/grocery/seafood shop on Andrew Higgins in the CBD. While we ate, I “thumbed” through the images on the camera that we had taken over the past year. During this sentimental journey, I couldn’t help but wonder where the year went.

There were pictures of the first day of school – oy vey! Number one on the leader board for most desirable need of anxiety disorder drugs was my oldest’s matriculation into middle school. He went from a graduating class of 27 at a religious-based independent school to a public school comprised of three separate programs/schools that wrangled a total of almost 1400 kids! All together now – HOLY SHIT! After I got over the initial shock, I enjoyed the year in pictures. First day of school, Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, Mitzvah Days, Karate belt advancements, trips to the zoo, holidays, and the basic mundane moments I wanted to keep into perpetuity. I simply couldn’t believe the year had gone by so fast – and it wasn’t like I wasn’t part of it. I attended every presentation, chaperoned every field trip, cheered for poops but it just seemed to go all too fast.

While there are times that I really want to check my self into the psych ward or run away to the Bahamas (yes, I do occasionally yearn for a nurse or a cabana boy named Paco who will deliver my tea/boat drinks), all it takes is a bad day or trip away to know what is really important. Yes, the po-boys and mint juleps WITHOUT kids were great. But at the end of our trip or at the end of today’s frustrations that left me at a point that would either having me jumping off a bridge or going “9 to 5” and putting rat poison in someone’s coffee, the only thing that made me feel better was going home to my family. Granted, I drove into my driveway and sat in the car crying for 15 minutes. But I went in and when I saw my family – and flashed backed to how far we came together this year – I realized that there was, truly, no place like home. At the end of it all, THIS is what I signed up for!