As I take the last few minutes of my 36-hour allotment of sick time, I’m really considering claiming additional ailments, cough, cough, so I can just crawl back under the covers. The second grade stomach bug has torn through my house faster than Seattle Slew at the Derby. But really, that is the easiest thing I’m facing as a parent. Okay, so having youngest Alex throw up on me not once but twice, while in MY bed was not so fun and he got my pillow – my PILLOW! I have a rather deep-seated affection for my pillow that has had me turn the car around and add an additional 50 miles onto an eight hour trip just to retrieve said pillow from the previous night’s hotel. I’m just sayin’ – some things are sacred and we mommies don’t get much so we cling to what we have.
No, a stomach bug comes and goes but the other things seem to ebb and flow like the tide. Within the past few days, I’ve received e-mails from two of the oldests’ teachers. Once again, middle Simon had a rough time controlling himself and his emotions on a field trip and oldest Christopher is failing math. Not because he doesn’t understand it, but because he doesn’t feel like doing it – it’s boring. I don’t know which to smack first!
Just for an update, Christopher’s MRI series came back clean; his spine is okay at this point. The prognosis? He’s okay for now but will need a spinal x-ray every six to nine months until he is finished growing with occasional MRI’s to check the condition of the spine. As for Simon, he has an appointment with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Hopefully, we can get some answers soon for him. With Christopher, it is a clear picture: an x-ray or an MRI and we see what needs to be done. Not so with Simon, his is so much harder to understand.
For anyone that has dealt with mental, emotional, or neurological issues; the answers are not so easy to find. Nor is the stigma easier to deal with for either parent or child. When children act out or don’t pay attention, people look to the parents and wonder what it is that they aren’t doing or, in some instances, what are they letting the kids get away with. What people don’t know is what goes on behind the scenes. What we have tried – namely everything – is something from taking things away to rewards, from grounding to spanking, from screaming to extra dessert. While that may be hard on us as parents, what is really hard is what we see in the eyes of other people judging us for what they think we should or shouldn’t do. If I could write a card to pass out to people when those of us with challenging children were acting out, it would say this: I’m trying. I love this child with all my heart and all my soul. I am doing the very best I can to make it day to day. You should feel so lucky not to have to deal with what I deal with. But know that I am lucky to be the parent to this amazing wonderful child.
It’s not just strangers either. It’s the people that seem to know our families fairly well – the teachers, the extended family members, the clergy, the neighbors. I can’t tell you what it feels like to get that e-mail from a teacher just “letting you know” that he or she is concerned and wants us to talk about the child and his or her behaviour. Really? Do they think that we haven’t a clue? While I would love to be able to be that checked out, I would probably have to seriously up my meds so that I couldn’t function. My favorite is when they ask what can they do to make the situation better. Again, really? If I had that answer, I guaran-damn-tee you that I wouldn’t be sittin’ here typing this blog in my little house in Meyerland. I would have this info mass published and turned into a major motion picture, self-help video, book on tape, and iPhone app. Wouldn’t that be great? Just type into your phone the behaviour you want to quelch and out pops the answer on what you need to do? Move over Dr. Spock!
I guess my greatest fear is that one or more of my children will turn out like my brother. While he was a kind, wonderful person with amazing talents; he was tormented by his own demons. I sometimes see my brother in their actions and reactions and wonder what happened in his life that caused the pain and suffering to become so great that he suicided. I guess I also look back and see the way my mother enabled my brother to become the helpless person that he ultimately was and I am so afraid of becoming that parent too. Perhaps I shouldn’t have let that appointment with the shrink go today… But I think there are so many more forces at play than just what we parents do – or at least I’m hoping!
I also think birth order plays a huge role in the development of an individual’s personality. The birth of each subsequent child also assists in the development of one’s parenting styles. This birth order thing clearly is at play at my house. Youngest Alex commandeered my diet Coke while I was making lunch the other day. First, I didn’t bother to spring up and grab it out of his hand but instead watched as he gulped down a big swallow – I was also cooking spaghetti to freeze for supper one night this week which happens to be extremely busy. Priorities here. Second, I actually argued with him over the notion of whose Coke it was. My precocious three year old informed me that, “Actually, this my diet Coke. I buy it with my money.” Really? Oh how things have changed… Oldest Christopher never even tasted Sprite until he was around five. He didn’t drink juice because, at the time, we didn’t think the nutritional value was equal to that of a serving of fresh fruit and now my three year old is slugging back diet Coke with Lime like a co-ed at a kegger? The times they are a changin’…
We’ve even become more laxed about the shows the kids watch or the games they play. When Christopher was little we wouldn’t let him have ANY type of play gun other than the brightly colored water guns found around the pool. My thought was a child can’t differentiate between a real gun and toy gun so if we avoided all guns we could keep him safe if he happened upon a real gun somewhere. I know, just stay with me here – I even come from a family that hunts! Now, we have an arsenal of toy weaponry that could be used to take over a small playground. I even own two Nerf guns that I use to relieve stress. While I’m not sure what my shrink would say about this, I have no qualms about shooting my husband and/or children with foam balls as a method of last resort when I really want to smack them. It at least gets their attention long enough for me to gain control of the Wii or television remote and take back some of the power. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
We even give in to things that would never have flown in the earlier days of parenting. I find myself bargaining for things like bites of food, using the potty, changing the sheets, etc. Seriously, who are these people that inhabit my house? Or more importantly, who have I become? I mean, really, this is the person who, during the height of my PR days traversed the coast at the bat of an eye, took no prisoners, and whose favorite coffee mug (that actually sat on my desk instead of being hidden away) was emblazoned with the words “Vicious power hungry bitch.”
You know, I really try to be a good parent but I just can’t seem to close the gap between the parent I want to be and the parent I am. As I alluded to in an earlier post, I just finished “The Blessing of a B Minus” by Wendy Mogul. I wake up each day and promise myself that I am going to let my children have logical consequences to their actions. But by the end of the day, I’m too tired to be logical much less follow through with any action other than collapsing into bed with a glass of wine and NCIS reruns. Yes, I live an exotic life, I know. As for getting the kids to clean, Custard had better odds during his last stand than I do of getting my children to pick up after themselves. But then again, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. After getting out of the shower, my dear hubby wandered through the kitchen to get something to drink. I turned around to find a pile of dirty clothes on the bar stool. Of course, when asked whose they were, I got the standard chorus of “Not mine!” until Shelby sheepishly swiped them off the stool en route to the laundry room. Hhhmmm, answers a number of questions about genetics, don’t you think?
Wow – this is hard work! I guess I know why no one ever tells people about this – the human race would disappear. I mean, seriously, who would drag there psyche through this emotional upheaval on purpose, if they knew what pain was endured? But, after I feel beaten up and broken down, I simply need to look around me or watch the evening news. A friend of mine recently underwent the scare of her life – a heart irregularity was discovered in her child. Thankfully, after a procedure, it was corrected. The television news is covered with the uncertainty of governments around the world and we face economic instability at every turn. However, I am certain of the three children down the hall sleeping soundly. While things may not be what I imagined lo so many years ago, they are so much more. They are mine and I am their parent. And no matter how hard it gets, I am still so blessed to be their parent. That IS what I signed up for.
P.S. For those of you that might be interested, a friend of mine and I captain a walk team for the NAMI Walks for the Mind of America each year. This walk raises funds to help in the research for cures for mental illnesses as well as erasing the stigma that is sometimes attached to the diseases. This year, the walk will be on Saturday, May 14th at 8:00 a.m. starting in Sam Houston Park. For more information on joining or supporting our team, The Open Minds, please visit the website at http://www.nami.org/walkTemplate.cfm?section=NAMIWALKS&template=/customsource/namiwalks/teampage.cfm&teamID=24157 for more information.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Life isn’t fair OR I had no idea how hard parenting would be!
I don’t know what it is. PMS or the fact that I’m just plain old exhausted with the recent school gala of last weekend, but I have to say that I’m feeling a little down right now. I know many of you tune in here to be uplifted or, at least, entertained; so this introduction must be a little off-putting. But as many average moms (and Dads – kudos to you CG) have experienced, things don’t always turn out the way we plan…
For those of you that don’t know me, my oldest Chris has ADHD. This was apparent when he was two. After almost being kicked out of a couple of preschool classes, we had him diagnosed and began treatment. Let me just say that trying to figure out medications for children is much like playing darts in the dark – you just don’t know the outcome until you try it. Fine, fast forward through the years and an array of psychotropic drugs that could put Walgreen’s out of business (I’m only referring to Chris’ meds and not mine which could put a whole new spin on things here, but I digress…), and we have arrived at something that is manageable. Whew, problems over. But wait, there’s more…
Middle child Simon is beginning to have problems. Initially, we though he might have been dyslexic but now are not so sure. We can’t seem to figure out if his behaviour issues are rooted in academic problems or vice versa. He has anger management issues that need to be addressed. His suggestion is getting rid of baby brother Alex and all things will be fine. We think this might not be the answer. I just keep wondering why they can’t just vote ME off the island!
Anyway, in the midst of a search for a therapist for Simon I get a note from the nurse at Chris’ school. She has determined that he has a curvature of the spine that needs to be looked at tout suite. I took him to our usual pediatric orthopedist where they did x-rays and examined him. When the doctor came in he kept asking if Christopher had any heart or kidney problems. When I said no he seemed surprised. He explained that Christopher has congenital scoliosis. In his x-ray, it shows what is called a hemivertebrate – it looks like a triangle instead of a rectangle. In most cases, this type of curvature is seen with congenital heart and/or kidney problems. The doctor seems to think that if that would have been the case, it would have manifested by now. There is also something called syrinx, which are nodules on the spine that can cause damage. The doctor ordered an extensive series of MRI screenings that where originally scheduled for tomorrow but I’m trying to reschedule for Friday when Shelby will be back in Houston – typical, things only happen on my watch. If they find any syrinx, a neurosurgeon will be brought in to surgically remove them. If not, Christopher will need x-rays every six to nine months until he stops growing in order to monitor the curve. It is at 27 degrees right now which they really wouldn’t do anything for surgically. It would have to reach 40 degrees or begin a rapid change before surgery is viable. The curve, which is located between his shoulder blades, is too high to brace. Bracing uses the rib cage to help realign so this would not apply to him. He is able to have a full range of activities – the doctor said he could even join the army if he wanted. They don’t really know what causes this. Unlike idiopathic scoliosis, which starts in adolescence, congenital scoliosis is not hereditary. We really have no answers as to our next steps or what the future holds until we get the MRI results back.
After the tears from a myriad of emotions, two things hit me: 1) is this more important that Simon’s issue? I mean, can we do both at once? and 2) how much money is this going to cost? And more importantly, is there a payment plan? Don’t get me wrong, both issues are important and we WILL take care of everything. But what about that adage regarding how G-d never gives you more than you can bear? Somehow, someone has seriously misinterpreted my anal-retentive attention to detail and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies to mean that I can handle more than most. Perhaps I should reread my job description for the position of mom. There must be fine print somewhere that I didn’t read. Does anyone remember those hazy days after childbirth when you are trying to check out of the hospital and they are hitting you with a barrage of paperwork? I can just image the scene that I can’t somehow seem to remember.
“Mrs. Jerden, here is the title to the new expenditure. Please read paragraph 2 subsection A…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just bring me my baby so we can go home.”
“Okay, well just sign here. We’ll give you a copy you can read later.”
“That’s great.”
Fast forward 12 years later…
“Hey, honey, did you read paragraph 2 subsection A when we were checking out of the hospital?”
“Uhm, I think so. I don’t remember.”
“It’s the clause about how you will forever turn yourself inside-out for your child for every reason under the sun and forgo ever being carefree again.”
“What? That wasn’t there. I would have noticed it.”
“Well, apparently you signed it.”
You know that’s why they make them so cute and smell so good – to get around the legalese. Fine, I can live with that but the fact that you might have to deal with issues for more than one of them at a time is a tad bit unfair. Did I mention that Alex still only poops in a pull-up…
Not to sound materialistic here, but how are we supposed to, well, pay for all of this without taking out a second mortgage, selling a kidney, and having a massive yard sale? While it may sound like I’m complaining about spending the money, that isn’t the issue at all. I’m appalled at the cost of health care. Shelby and I make a modest income that is better than some and less than others. Thankfully, we have insurance to at least help with the insane prices that all of these “services” cost. My thought here is what about all those people that have really serious medical conditions and don’t have insurance? I mean, just this week, an x-ray, exam, and MRI will cost us almost a $1000.00 – and, yes, that is our portion and not what the insurance will cover with their “negotiated rate”. By the way, could someone explain that to me? I mean seriously, the doctor/center/hospital/etc. negotiates a rate with the insurance company? Do they all sit around a big table with Danishes and bagels and debate the worth of a life-saving procedure? Do they then decide that the poor shmucks who don’t have insurance have to pay top dollar since they don’t have representation at the table? It’s kind of like committee work – if you don’t show up to the meetings, you get the crappiest jobs. Just sayin’…
So now what? I sent an e-mail to my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and stepmother-in-law describing what I laid out in paragraph four about Christopher’s condition. Ironically enough, I ended the e-mail with the statements, “I’m just letting you all know so you can keep the poor kid in your prayers. I don’t really want to talk about this until I find out more. I hope you understand.” Well, that was all it took. My mother promptly called me at work three times today along with a peppy reply e-mail, my husband’s step-father called the house twice, and my mother-in-law called once and e-mailed once. Even my father-in-law called hubby Shelby. Nothing like saying I don’t want to talk to incite a rapid fire succession of phone/e-mail contacts. Shheeesh. Maybe I should try reverse psychology here – please do not contact us to babysit, we will not entertain any requests. Regardless of the day, date, or time, you absolutely, positively, CAN NOT babysit your grandchildren. Just a thought.
I called my dad last night to let him know what was going on in my crazy family. Of course, I ended up crying with “what if’s” and doomsday predictions for all of my children. Out of all of the people with whom I discussed this, he probably had the best advice – the sage wisdom of “don’t go borrowing trouble.” I know he’s right – there’s no use conjuring up all these dark situations, but I can’t help but think how unfair it is to be put in this situation. Not just me, but the kids, too. I don’t think any of us enter parenthood with the notion that things are going to go wrong or be hard. Why would we do it? But we do have to take things day-to-day – one day at a time. I know, I know, it sounds like a twelve step program. But really, isn’t that what this parenting thing is – we have a problem: we are enamored with our children, we want the best, and will fight to the death for them almost like an addiction. With dedication, perseverance, and practice, we learn to redefine our lives and let go. While none of us stands up in a group of our peers and announces our addiction, there are so many more of us that are dealing with our children’s problems than we let on to the world. I am here to tell you with all my “official” presence that you are forgiven – let it go – you are doing the best that you can do – and you are loved. Things are not easy when you are a parent, nor are they fair. But at the end of the day, we are so blessed to have this position because there are so many that can’t fill the shoes we wear every day. And that is a banner role for which we signed up!
For those of you that don’t know me, my oldest Chris has ADHD. This was apparent when he was two. After almost being kicked out of a couple of preschool classes, we had him diagnosed and began treatment. Let me just say that trying to figure out medications for children is much like playing darts in the dark – you just don’t know the outcome until you try it. Fine, fast forward through the years and an array of psychotropic drugs that could put Walgreen’s out of business (I’m only referring to Chris’ meds and not mine which could put a whole new spin on things here, but I digress…), and we have arrived at something that is manageable. Whew, problems over. But wait, there’s more…
Middle child Simon is beginning to have problems. Initially, we though he might have been dyslexic but now are not so sure. We can’t seem to figure out if his behaviour issues are rooted in academic problems or vice versa. He has anger management issues that need to be addressed. His suggestion is getting rid of baby brother Alex and all things will be fine. We think this might not be the answer. I just keep wondering why they can’t just vote ME off the island!
Anyway, in the midst of a search for a therapist for Simon I get a note from the nurse at Chris’ school. She has determined that he has a curvature of the spine that needs to be looked at tout suite. I took him to our usual pediatric orthopedist where they did x-rays and examined him. When the doctor came in he kept asking if Christopher had any heart or kidney problems. When I said no he seemed surprised. He explained that Christopher has congenital scoliosis. In his x-ray, it shows what is called a hemivertebrate – it looks like a triangle instead of a rectangle. In most cases, this type of curvature is seen with congenital heart and/or kidney problems. The doctor seems to think that if that would have been the case, it would have manifested by now. There is also something called syrinx, which are nodules on the spine that can cause damage. The doctor ordered an extensive series of MRI screenings that where originally scheduled for tomorrow but I’m trying to reschedule for Friday when Shelby will be back in Houston – typical, things only happen on my watch. If they find any syrinx, a neurosurgeon will be brought in to surgically remove them. If not, Christopher will need x-rays every six to nine months until he stops growing in order to monitor the curve. It is at 27 degrees right now which they really wouldn’t do anything for surgically. It would have to reach 40 degrees or begin a rapid change before surgery is viable. The curve, which is located between his shoulder blades, is too high to brace. Bracing uses the rib cage to help realign so this would not apply to him. He is able to have a full range of activities – the doctor said he could even join the army if he wanted. They don’t really know what causes this. Unlike idiopathic scoliosis, which starts in adolescence, congenital scoliosis is not hereditary. We really have no answers as to our next steps or what the future holds until we get the MRI results back.
After the tears from a myriad of emotions, two things hit me: 1) is this more important that Simon’s issue? I mean, can we do both at once? and 2) how much money is this going to cost? And more importantly, is there a payment plan? Don’t get me wrong, both issues are important and we WILL take care of everything. But what about that adage regarding how G-d never gives you more than you can bear? Somehow, someone has seriously misinterpreted my anal-retentive attention to detail and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies to mean that I can handle more than most. Perhaps I should reread my job description for the position of mom. There must be fine print somewhere that I didn’t read. Does anyone remember those hazy days after childbirth when you are trying to check out of the hospital and they are hitting you with a barrage of paperwork? I can just image the scene that I can’t somehow seem to remember.
“Mrs. Jerden, here is the title to the new expenditure. Please read paragraph 2 subsection A…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just bring me my baby so we can go home.”
“Okay, well just sign here. We’ll give you a copy you can read later.”
“That’s great.”
Fast forward 12 years later…
“Hey, honey, did you read paragraph 2 subsection A when we were checking out of the hospital?”
“Uhm, I think so. I don’t remember.”
“It’s the clause about how you will forever turn yourself inside-out for your child for every reason under the sun and forgo ever being carefree again.”
“What? That wasn’t there. I would have noticed it.”
“Well, apparently you signed it.”
You know that’s why they make them so cute and smell so good – to get around the legalese. Fine, I can live with that but the fact that you might have to deal with issues for more than one of them at a time is a tad bit unfair. Did I mention that Alex still only poops in a pull-up…
Not to sound materialistic here, but how are we supposed to, well, pay for all of this without taking out a second mortgage, selling a kidney, and having a massive yard sale? While it may sound like I’m complaining about spending the money, that isn’t the issue at all. I’m appalled at the cost of health care. Shelby and I make a modest income that is better than some and less than others. Thankfully, we have insurance to at least help with the insane prices that all of these “services” cost. My thought here is what about all those people that have really serious medical conditions and don’t have insurance? I mean, just this week, an x-ray, exam, and MRI will cost us almost a $1000.00 – and, yes, that is our portion and not what the insurance will cover with their “negotiated rate”. By the way, could someone explain that to me? I mean seriously, the doctor/center/hospital/etc. negotiates a rate with the insurance company? Do they all sit around a big table with Danishes and bagels and debate the worth of a life-saving procedure? Do they then decide that the poor shmucks who don’t have insurance have to pay top dollar since they don’t have representation at the table? It’s kind of like committee work – if you don’t show up to the meetings, you get the crappiest jobs. Just sayin’…
So now what? I sent an e-mail to my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and stepmother-in-law describing what I laid out in paragraph four about Christopher’s condition. Ironically enough, I ended the e-mail with the statements, “I’m just letting you all know so you can keep the poor kid in your prayers. I don’t really want to talk about this until I find out more. I hope you understand.” Well, that was all it took. My mother promptly called me at work three times today along with a peppy reply e-mail, my husband’s step-father called the house twice, and my mother-in-law called once and e-mailed once. Even my father-in-law called hubby Shelby. Nothing like saying I don’t want to talk to incite a rapid fire succession of phone/e-mail contacts. Shheeesh. Maybe I should try reverse psychology here – please do not contact us to babysit, we will not entertain any requests. Regardless of the day, date, or time, you absolutely, positively, CAN NOT babysit your grandchildren. Just a thought.
I called my dad last night to let him know what was going on in my crazy family. Of course, I ended up crying with “what if’s” and doomsday predictions for all of my children. Out of all of the people with whom I discussed this, he probably had the best advice – the sage wisdom of “don’t go borrowing trouble.” I know he’s right – there’s no use conjuring up all these dark situations, but I can’t help but think how unfair it is to be put in this situation. Not just me, but the kids, too. I don’t think any of us enter parenthood with the notion that things are going to go wrong or be hard. Why would we do it? But we do have to take things day-to-day – one day at a time. I know, I know, it sounds like a twelve step program. But really, isn’t that what this parenting thing is – we have a problem: we are enamored with our children, we want the best, and will fight to the death for them almost like an addiction. With dedication, perseverance, and practice, we learn to redefine our lives and let go. While none of us stands up in a group of our peers and announces our addiction, there are so many more of us that are dealing with our children’s problems than we let on to the world. I am here to tell you with all my “official” presence that you are forgiven – let it go – you are doing the best that you can do – and you are loved. Things are not easy when you are a parent, nor are they fair. But at the end of the day, we are so blessed to have this position because there are so many that can’t fill the shoes we wear every day. And that is a banner role for which we signed up!
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