Life isn’t fair OR I had no idea how hard parenting would be!

I don’t know what it is. PMS or the fact that I’m just plain old exhausted with the recent school gala of last weekend, but I have to say that I’m feeling a little down right now. I know many of you tune in here to be uplifted or, at least, entertained; so this introduction must be a little off-putting. But as many average moms (and Dads – kudos to you CG) have experienced, things don’t always turn out the way we plan…

For those of you that don’t know me, my oldest Chris has ADHD. This was apparent when he was two. After almost being kicked out of a couple of preschool classes, we had him diagnosed and began treatment. Let me just say that trying to figure out medications for children is much like playing darts in the dark – you just don’t know the outcome until you try it. Fine, fast forward through the years and an array of psychotropic drugs that could put Walgreen’s out of business (I’m only referring to Chris’ meds and not mine which could put a whole new spin on things here, but I digress…), and we have arrived at something that is manageable. Whew, problems over. But wait, there’s more…

Middle child Simon is beginning to have problems. Initially, we though he might have been dyslexic but now are not so sure. We can’t seem to figure out if his behaviour issues are rooted in academic problems or vice versa. He has anger management issues that need to be addressed. His suggestion is getting rid of baby brother Alex and all things will be fine. We think this might not be the answer. I just keep wondering why they can’t just vote ME off the island!
Anyway, in the midst of a search for a therapist for Simon I get a note from the nurse at Chris’ school. She has determined that he has a curvature of the spine that needs to be looked at tout suite. I took him to our usual pediatric orthopedist where they did x-rays and examined him. When the doctor came in he kept asking if Christopher had any heart or kidney problems. When I said no he seemed surprised. He explained that Christopher has congenital scoliosis. In his x-ray, it shows what is called a hemivertebrate – it looks like a triangle instead of a rectangle. In most cases, this type of curvature is seen with congenital heart and/or kidney problems. The doctor seems to think that if that would have been the case, it would have manifested by now. There is also something called syrinx, which are nodules on the spine that can cause damage. The doctor ordered an extensive series of MRI screenings that where originally scheduled for tomorrow but I’m trying to reschedule for Friday when Shelby will be back in Houston – typical, things only happen on my watch. If they find any syrinx, a neurosurgeon will be brought in to surgically remove them. If not, Christopher will need x-rays every six to nine months until he stops growing in order to monitor the curve. It is at 27 degrees right now which they really wouldn’t do anything for surgically. It would have to reach 40 degrees or begin a rapid change before surgery is viable. The curve, which is located between his shoulder blades, is too high to brace. Bracing uses the rib cage to help realign so this would not apply to him. He is able to have a full range of activities – the doctor said he could even join the army if he wanted. They don’t really know what causes this. Unlike idiopathic scoliosis, which starts in adolescence, congenital scoliosis is not hereditary. We really have no answers as to our next steps or what the future holds until we get the MRI results back.

After the tears from a myriad of emotions, two things hit me: 1) is this more important that Simon’s issue? I mean, can we do both at once? and 2) how much money is this going to cost? And more importantly, is there a payment plan? Don’t get me wrong, both issues are important and we WILL take care of everything. But what about that adage regarding how G-d never gives you more than you can bear? Somehow, someone has seriously misinterpreted my anal-retentive attention to detail and my obsessive-compulsive tendencies to mean that I can handle more than most. Perhaps I should reread my job description for the position of mom. There must be fine print somewhere that I didn’t read. Does anyone remember those hazy days after childbirth when you are trying to check out of the hospital and they are hitting you with a barrage of paperwork? I can just image the scene that I can’t somehow seem to remember.
“Mrs. Jerden, here is the title to the new expenditure. Please read paragraph 2 subsection A…”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, just bring me my baby so we can go home.”
“Okay, well just sign here. We’ll give you a copy you can read later.”
“That’s great.”
Fast forward 12 years later…
“Hey, honey, did you read paragraph 2 subsection A when we were checking out of the hospital?”
“Uhm, I think so. I don’t remember.”
“It’s the clause about how you will forever turn yourself inside-out for your child for every reason under the sun and forgo ever being carefree again.”
“What? That wasn’t there. I would have noticed it.”
“Well, apparently you signed it.”
You know that’s why they make them so cute and smell so good – to get around the legalese. Fine, I can live with that but the fact that you might have to deal with issues for more than one of them at a time is a tad bit unfair. Did I mention that Alex still only poops in a pull-up…

Not to sound materialistic here, but how are we supposed to, well, pay for all of this without taking out a second mortgage, selling a kidney, and having a massive yard sale? While it may sound like I’m complaining about spending the money, that isn’t the issue at all. I’m appalled at the cost of health care. Shelby and I make a modest income that is better than some and less than others. Thankfully, we have insurance to at least help with the insane prices that all of these “services” cost. My thought here is what about all those people that have really serious medical conditions and don’t have insurance? I mean, just this week, an x-ray, exam, and MRI will cost us almost a $1000.00 – and, yes, that is our portion and not what the insurance will cover with their “negotiated rate”. By the way, could someone explain that to me? I mean seriously, the doctor/center/hospital/etc. negotiates a rate with the insurance company? Do they all sit around a big table with Danishes and bagels and debate the worth of a life-saving procedure? Do they then decide that the poor shmucks who don’t have insurance have to pay top dollar since they don’t have representation at the table? It’s kind of like committee work – if you don’t show up to the meetings, you get the crappiest jobs. Just sayin’…

So now what? I sent an e-mail to my mom, mother-in-law, father-in-law, and stepmother-in-law describing what I laid out in paragraph four about Christopher’s condition. Ironically enough, I ended the e-mail with the statements, “I’m just letting you all know so you can keep the poor kid in your prayers. I don’t really want to talk about this until I find out more. I hope you understand.” Well, that was all it took. My mother promptly called me at work three times today along with a peppy reply e-mail, my husband’s step-father called the house twice, and my mother-in-law called once and e-mailed once. Even my father-in-law called hubby Shelby. Nothing like saying I don’t want to talk to incite a rapid fire succession of phone/e-mail contacts. Shheeesh. Maybe I should try reverse psychology here – please do not contact us to babysit, we will not entertain any requests. Regardless of the day, date, or time, you absolutely, positively, CAN NOT babysit your grandchildren. Just a thought.

I called my dad last night to let him know what was going on in my crazy family. Of course, I ended up crying with “what if’s” and doomsday predictions for all of my children. Out of all of the people with whom I discussed this, he probably had the best advice – the sage wisdom of “don’t go borrowing trouble.” I know he’s right – there’s no use conjuring up all these dark situations, but I can’t help but think how unfair it is to be put in this situation. Not just me, but the kids, too. I don’t think any of us enter parenthood with the notion that things are going to go wrong or be hard. Why would we do it? But we do have to take things day-to-day – one day at a time. I know, I know, it sounds like a twelve step program. But really, isn’t that what this parenting thing is – we have a problem: we are enamored with our children, we want the best, and will fight to the death for them almost like an addiction. With dedication, perseverance, and practice, we learn to redefine our lives and let go. While none of us stands up in a group of our peers and announces our addiction, there are so many more of us that are dealing with our children’s problems than we let on to the world. I am here to tell you with all my “official” presence that you are forgiven – let it go – you are doing the best that you can do – and you are loved. Things are not easy when you are a parent, nor are they fair. But at the end of the day, we are so blessed to have this position because there are so many that can’t fill the shoes we wear every day. And that is a banner role for which we signed up!